《情绪管理十二讲》第3版：第八讲强烈感觉与自我意识

《情绪管理十二讲》第3版：第八讲强烈感觉与自我意识第八讲-强烈感觉与自我意识

多年来，我讨厌那种真人秀电视节目，他们在街上恶作剧，对人们进行恶作剧。当我小的时候，偶尔我会在电视上看这类外国真人秀节目。我爸爸每次都会教给我西方人在看这些节目的时候更开放有趣的想法。起初我觉得很有意思。但我不记得从什么时候开始，看这类节目对我来说成了一种痛苦。

你可能会说，这不是什么大不了的事，因为每个人都有他或她的娱乐品味。我向你保证，这正是我所想的，直到一个新的认识发生。请看我的故事。我来到法国的一所商学院攻读硕士学位。在法国的商学院校园里，人们往往会有丰富多彩的社交生活。所以，我结交了各种各样的朋友。我们一起上课，最重要的是我们一起聚会。我还被评定为班长，也就是各种肤色的代表。当我们不得不为一门课程做一个演示时，转折点就来到了。有些人准备得很好，结果表现优异。然而，有些人做得并不好。由于这是一门在法国的校园里教的英语课程，一半的学生已经在努力学习这门语言了。此外，一些只搞团伙聚会的动物在来上课之前没有做任何准备，所以他们不得不在被逼无奈的时候临时凑合，即兴表演。我们可以看到，这显然不是给教授留下深刻印象的理想方式。

到目前为止，这都属于正常的大学生活，对吧？我们都在那里，几乎都属于这两类学生中的一个。要么你几乎一整夜都在尽力,准备你的演讲，要么你整晚都在聚会，第二天给全班同学一个有趣的笑声。可是，我所感受到的并不是我班上一些同学的优异表现。看到同伴那么糟糕，仍然能和你进入同一所学校，这让我很难过。但真正的震撼是，意识到我很不安地看着别人在公共场合尴尬和自欺欺人，在公众面前出丑。看着那样的演出，我感到身体不舒服，我想阻止自己把那些事情看得非常糟糕非常严重。

离那一天很久以后，这个问题仍然在我脑海中回荡。为什么我那么心烦？为什么我那么沮丧？更糟糕的是，这似乎与我对一开始所讨论的真人秀节目的不良感觉有关。有一段时间，我认为原因是显而易见的：我是一个很好的人，我对那些忍受着艰难的社会处境的人抱有极大的同情。然而，了解我自己，我很难直言不讳地说我有很多同情心。我成长在这样一种文化中，扶起一个在街上跌到的长辈可能会给你带来数百万的债务，因为他们会讹诈你，声称你是第一个把他们打倒的人。在一般家庭中，儿童所受的第一次教育是在相似的事情发生时保持距离。因此，当这一切发生在我的生活中时，我不能断言我是一个有同情心的人。

所以，这不是同情，因为我不为那些让自己尴尬和难堪的人感到难过。为什么我心烦？为什么我沮丧？答案对我一直是回避的，直到最近我才回答了这个问题。我在做一些关于有毒人格的研究，其中一个关键概念是自我意识。我举了一个例子：一个蹒跚学步的孩子在看到另一个孩子摔倒在地或被割伤时会哭。这不是同情在发挥作用，而是缺乏自我意识。一个蹒跚学步的孩子会意识到他或她是另一个孩子跌倒或割伤的接受者，因为世界和他的自我之间没有明确的界限。突然间，一切都变得有意义了。我的答案是，我没有足够的自我意识，来充分接受我在这些场合中扮演的观众角色。如果没有适当的自我意识，强调自我与周围的事物的相对独立性，人们会感到他所看到的是他或她自身的一部分。所以对我来说,别人在舞台上尴尬和难堪，好像自己也在舞台上出汗，被全班人嘲笑。

这也解释了为什么有些人倾向于对一些与自己无关的东西有非常强烈的看法，这也可以称之为密切相关的思想。最常见的例子，我能想到的是“LGBT”。坦率地说，其他成年人的性取向，对于一个理智健全和个性独立的人来说是完全不相干的。然而,如果没有足够的自我意识, 被目击的东西会被认为是他或她自我的一部分。既然他把每件事都看作自己的一部分，当然有很多是不能容忍或接受的。我是这样的，所以你可能是相似的。

Open mindedness and self-awareness

For many years I hated the kind of reality TV shows in which they pull off pranks to people in the streets. When I was little, occasionally I would watch this sort of foreign reality shows on TV. My dad would preach me each time the idea that western people are more open and fun while we watched these programs. I found it funny at first. But I couldn’t remember since when, watching this sort of show started to become a suffering for me.

You may say that it is not a big deal as each person has his or her taste for entertainment. I assure you that this was exactly what I thought until one realization occurred. So here’s my story. I came to a business school inFranceto study for my master’s degree. One tends to have a very colorful social life on campus in business school here inFrance. So, I made all sorts of friends. We took classes together, and most importantly we partied together. The turning point arrived when we had to do a presentation by work group for one course. Some fellows came well prepared and it resulted in excellent performance. However, some guys were doing not that well. As this was a course in English taught in a campus inFrance, half of the students were already struggling with the language. In addition, some party animals managed to do nothing before coming to class so they had to improvise while being hang over. We can see it is clearly not an ideal way to impress the professor.

So far, normal college life, right? We’ve all been there, done that. We almost all fall into one of these two categories of students. Either you work hard all night and gives eye-dropping presentation, or you party all night and gives everyone in class a good laugh the next day. What struck me that day, was not the stunning bad performance that some of my classmates had managed to pull off. Although it hurts a lot to see that your fellows can be that bad and still managed to enter the same school as you, the real shock was the realization that I was upset watching other people embarrassing and making a fool of themselves in public. I felt physically uncomfortable to see that scene and I wanted to block myself from what was happening up there so badly.

Long after that day, the question was still turning around in my head. Why was I that upset? What’s more, this seems to be linked to my bad feeling towards the reality TV shows discussed at the beginning. For some time, I thought that the reason was obvious: I’m such a nice person that I have a huge compassion for those people who are enduring a difficult social situation. However, knowing myself, it was very hard to outright lie to myself saying that I have a lot of compassion. I grew up in a culture where helping fallen elders to get up in the street would probably get you millions of debts as they would con you and claim that you were the one who knocked them down in the first place. In average household, children’s first education would be to keep distance when similar things happen. Thus, I couldn’t claim that I was a compassionate one when all this happened in my life.

So, it was not sympathy, as I don’t feel sorry for the ones who embarrass themselves. Why was I so upset? The answer stayed evasive to me until very recently. I was doing some research on toxic personality and one of the key concepts is self-awareness. I cited an example: a toddler would cry when he or she sees another child fall on the ground or get cut. It’s not sympathy which is in play but a lack of self-awareness here. A toddler would perceive that he or she is the receiver of the fall or cut on the other child as there is no clear boundary between the world and the self. All of sudden, everything makes sense. The answer to my question was that I don’t have enough self-awareness to fully embrace my role as audience in these occasions. Without proper self-awareness who emphasizes the independence of the self from what’s going on around it, the person will feel that what he sees are part of him or her. So for me, I was mentally on the stage as well, sweating, getting laughed at by the whole class.

This would also explain why some people tend to have such strong opinions towards something not even remotely relevant to themselves, which can also be called close mindedness. The most common example that I could think of would be the LGBT movement. Frankly speaking, the sexual orientation of some other adult is completely irrelevant for a sane and independent person. However, without sufficient self-awareness, what is being witnessed are interpreted as part of self. Since he sees everything as himself, of course there’re so many things that cannot be tolerated or accepted. Because I am so, therefore you shall not be different.

情绪管理十二讲

原书名：Paris gold Key

（巴黎金钥匙）

Léo Paris

巴黎雷欧著

Paris 2019

内容简介

这是一本从非常别致的角度解析情绪管理的著作，是从作者的系列心理学讲座中挑选出来的。巴黎雷欧（李由、任由之）的系列心理学讲座，在法国、美国青年中颇受欢迎，特试译为中文版本。

巴黎雷欧著有《简明国际商务》（多所大学用作考研辅导书）《跨国公司内部谈判效益论析》（法文版）《法国现代书画艺术评论》（英文版3卷）和《雷欧带你认识法国》《雷欧带你认识巴黎》等书籍。

由于巴黎雷欧现系巴黎远东文化艺术协会负责人，巴黎远东艺术馆、巴黎雷欧珍宝馆和多种媒体及版权交易机构负责人，非常繁忙，所以此译本尚未得巴黎雷欧先生审阅，特此说明。

Paris gold Key

巴黎金钥匙